


Before You Walk Out of my Life

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Scenarios de par Liaisons [3]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-21
Updated: 2011-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-27 17:26:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Forgive me if being your last resort is something I do not want.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before You Walk Out of my Life

**Author's Note:**

> This is #3 in the Scenarios de par Liaisons series. The title comes from the Monica song.

Hotch woke in bed alone but that did not surprise him. A thunderstorm raged outside; lightning flashed as he turned on his back in the empty bedroom. He sighed, running his hand over his face before getting up. Walking down the hall and stairs, Hotch focused on his bare feet. The floors never made noise…no groans or creaks.

It didn’t seem to make any sense. He did not want to scare her but something in him knew he wouldn’t. He could hear the music in the kitchen, Whitney Houston. Emily Prentiss sat at her table with a clove and a cup of tea. He didn’t know too many people who had a full tea seat, just another fascinating ingredient of the woman.

“What are we doing?” she asked without looking up. “Please don’t be facetious and say we are supposed to be sleeping.”

“I don’t quite understand the question.”

Hotch sat across from her, moving his hand over the box of cloves and pulling them toward him. He fought the urge to crush them. He hated the habit, even if it was rare, yet the sweet taste of her mouth and the scent of her hair were ingrained in his memory. He watched the smoke slowly filter from her mouth as Whitney sang about almost having it all. Oh boy.

“Do you really think a relationship can be built on a foundation of lies?” she asked.

“I have never lied to you; not once. I've been nothing but truthful. It hurt me and it hurt you but the truth is important to me.”

Emily nodded, not speaking. She just sipped her tea and smoked her cigarette. A million times this conversation went through her mind. Strong and straightforward was the only way to do this. It could quickly derail, spiraling down in Ingmar Bergman proportions.

Emily had no intention of talking until exhaustion but having no resolution. Hotch had never lied to her…she tried to do the same. The problem was Emily felt as if she had been living a lie for most of her life. Maybe it was finally time to come clean. What she had with him, despite all of its complexities, was one of the truest things she knew.

“It’s not going to work, Hotch.”

“It could.”

“No,” she shook her head. “How many times did you tell me that you had no place else to go? Forgive me if being your last resort is something I do not want.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“Was that a lie?” Emily asked, cutting him off.

“Don’t put words in my mouth. I also told you that I loved you, more than once.”

“I don’t think you do. You may think you do.”

“I've been around long enough to know what's true and what isn’t. I would never say that if I didn’t mean it. You have to trust me, Emily. You have to trust yourself. It might not be easy but you have to be willing to try.”

“I have to stay grounded in reality and so do you. We had an affair, right or wrong, it’s done. Now…”

“We have a chance at something more than that.” Hotch replied. “I wanted you when I couldn’t have you. Why would my feelings change now?”

“You have no idea who I am.” She whispered.

“Tell me.”

“I can't.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“It’s a long story and it’s unpleasant in many spots.”

“I am no angel, Prentiss. Just give me a chance to understand. All I am asking for is a chance.”

She shook her head again and let the silence drape over them. Hotch breathed in through his nose and out of his mouth. She’d said that so many times, that he didn’t know her. One thing Hotch knew was once she made up her mind it was useless trying to change it.

“I’ll just get dressed and go.” He sighed, standing. He pushed the cloves back across the table. Halfway out of the room, her voice stopped him.

“I'm sorry,” Emily could barely get the words out. She bit down hard on her lip to keep it from trembling. “I am sure neither of us intended to ever have this conversation.”

“I don’t have to go. Say the word…tell me to stay.”

“We’re going to hurt each other.”

“Sometimes we will. It won't change our feelings.”

“Your divorce…hell, you're barely...this is purgatory, Aaron. You and Haley are dancing around each other and nothing is happening. What if she calls tomorrow, says she was wrong and wants her husband back?”

“She is not going to do that?” Hotch said.

“How do you know? This could just be her way to of teaching you a lesson.”

“I am staying at the BAU and she is not coming back to me. She is getting serious someone else.”

“Then why doesn’t she file for divorce?” Emily asked.

“She will.”

“Then what?”

“We will figure it out when we get there. This is not the Geneva Convention, Emily, every talking point does not have to be negotiated and resolved before parties are allowed to leave the table.”

That made her smile. It only lasted a moment but it was beautiful.

“I just feel so…”

“Me too.” Hotch replied. “You mean something to me. I won't pretend it will always be easy, it’s certainly not right now, but I want it. Hard work and the chance of failing have never stopped me. You are worth it, Emily Prentiss. We can do this on your terms but I am begging you not to push me away.”

“I need space; sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. This is happening too fast, Hotch. I don’t even know if it’s the right thing for me.”

“I understand that.” He nodded. “Do you want me to go?”

It was the middle of the night and it was also pouring. Emily didn’t like the idea of just throwing him out. Especially since an overwhelming part of her was screaming to hold on tight. It just couldn’t work. She wanted it too much and when she wanted things…oh dear God.

She was not a little girl anymore. She was not a teenager or an overzealous college coed. The past could not keep eating her from the inside out. She had reconciled so much of it. Surely, Emily was not the only person haunted by decisions she made. All of this came up because of the guilt.

When she was with Hotch, she felt so damn good and carnal knowledge had very little to do with it. She felt safe and loved. With him, she just let go. That had never been her intention but it was so easy. Despite the many complications, their relationship was practically effortless. They had fears, regrets, and doubts but always found their way back to each other. What right had she to expect that kind of happiness?

“No,” she shook her head. “I just…oh God Hotch, you probably think I'm certifiable.”

“Sometimes.” Hotch grinned, walking closer and holding out his hand. “I find it endearing.”

“Its not.” She took his hand, letting him pull her from the chair. When his arms went around her, Emily snuggled close. To feel him, the hardness, the masculinity; the sigh was unpreventable. Her arms moved up his back.

“Let me take care of you, just for a little while. You take care of everyone and everything. It is your nature and I swear I am not profiling you.”

“I can take care of myself. I have to listen to my gut right now and it tells me I need to breathe. Please, give me time.”

Hotch nodded, holding her to him and kissing her forehead.

“Don’t push me away…that’s not what I want.” He whispered, his lips still on her forehead.

“Alright.”

He didn’t know if she really meant it. Emily didn’t say things she didn’t mean but he knew the situation was hard on her. They never used the word but she was his mistress. How could he convince her that she meant so much more than that? Hotch didn’t want to pontificate on what might have been if Haley hadn’t walked out.

She was gone…the end. It was hard on him, he could not pretend it wasn’t, but life had to go on. There was a chance to be with someone else; to be with Emily. No matter how it began, it was beautiful and it was real. He couldn’t let her think any different. He was not giving up on it.

“Let’s just sleep on it.”

“Sleep on what?” she asked.

“No more questions, Special Agent Prentiss. I am taking you back to bed.”

She let him do that. She let him hold him close, taking in the doubts and worries that seeped through her pores. He pulled her tee shirt over her head, stroking his fingers across her naked back. Whispering soft reassurances, including his love for her in her ear, Hotch felt her body relax against his.

It would never be perfect. They could cross every hurdle and more would still wait for them. That wouldn’t stop him from wanting her, from loving her. Hotch waited this long and he would keep waiting. Letting go was not an option.

***


End file.
